When one becomes two

Suddenly finding themselves faced with the notion that there will soon be another child in the household can be daunting for children. For some, it’s an exciting idea and they have no qualms about it at all, but the dynamics of your family are changing and you can’t be sure exactly how your child will react until you’re in that situation.

‘A young child may have tantrums, develop sleep problems, become clingier than usual or more demanding,’ says child behaviour expert Eileen Hayes. ‘Sometimes older children take developmental steps backward, asking for help with things they could previously manage.’ This might include reverting back a step with their toilet training, wanting their dummy back, asking to be carried when they could easily walk or wanting to go back to sleeping in a cot, even though they’re fine in a bed.

Some of these behaviours may be worrying, but they are a common reaction. Whilst it may be easy to become frustrated, especially at a time when perhaps you expected to have fewer demands from your older child, try to remain calm and unperturbed. Eileen suggests it may be better to go along with your child’s babyish needs for a while, and offers reassurance that it should soon ease as you all settle into your new family routine together.

Staying calm is sometimes easier said than done. Coping with the demands of another child while looking after the rest of the family can be exhausting for both mothers and fathers, who may also be dealing with their own post-birth emotional experiences. You may find yourself veering between positive and negative emotions towards either your baby or your older child as you get used to family life with two children.

Reaching out and seeking extra support from family, friends or other NCT members can help you not to feel over-stretched.

‘I didn’t like to admit to feeling under pressure when my second child was born, but I wasn’t coping well,’ admits Lucy. ‘I felt guilty for not spending so much time with my older son, but was torn between him and the needs of the new baby. Asking for extra support from my parents as I found my way through the first few weeks was the best thing I did.’

Sharing responsibilities and workload can also help. There is the opportunity for dads to spend more time with the older child, ‘When our son was born, we had to make some changes to our usual routines,’ says Rob. ‘So during times when my wife used to look after our daughter or put her to bed, I was able to take charge. I was soon aware that I was getting to spend a lot more time with her, which pleased both of us, and it seemed to help ease feelings of jealousy about her brother.’

Preparing Your Child

Some of the distress caused by a new baby can be reduced, even eliminated completely, by preparing your child in advance. With really small children, telling them about the baby too far in advance offers little benefit, as they’re likely to forget. But it is worthwhile simply explaining what will be happening, what their role will be and what it will be like to have a new baby in the month leading up to the birth.

Children’s stories of new babies and how other siblings cope are often beneficial, especially where there are pictures to look at. You can help them feel needed by getting them involved in preparations, such as choosing toys for the new baby or colours of items in the nursery.

Explain that you’ll still love them as much as you always have done and remember to remind them of this when the baby comes. They don’t always understand that it’s possible to share love and affection and worry that if you’re giving lots to the baby, you’ll forget about them. If there are likely to be changes to their routine, such as dad doing the nursery run or moving rooms, then make the changes in advance. That way, they’ll have time to get used to it before another big change – the baby’s arrival – occurs.

Depending on the age of the child, they might not comprehend the idea that the baby is a permanent fixture. It’s common, for example, for a child to ask, ‘When is it going?’ after a new baby has been at home for a while, so you may have to continue explaining what’s happening.

Life can be hectic for you all, but try and spend as much time as you can with your younger child. You may need to get creative with your time management, as Kelly suggests: ‘Whilst breastfeeding, I’d make a fuss over my older son and we’d either watch TV or read books together.’

Getting Through Sibling Rivalry

If your child doesn’t react well to their new sibling, it’s tough on everyone. There may be days or weeks when you wonder how you’ll all cope and get through it, but rest assured, families do.

‘Our eldest daughter reacted badly when her sister was born, throwing lots of noisy tantrums and demanding extra attention,’ says Ruth. ‘After a difficult labour, being faced with a stroppy two-year-old was disappointing. It took a long time for her to warm to her new sister, but now they’re older, they’re the best of friends (most of the time!).’

David and family found themselves in a similar position, with an elder son who wasn’t keen on the new baby. ‘We thought he’d enjoy having a younger brother, but he was very wary. We had to watch him when he was around the baby, as his behaviour was unpredictable, and he couldn’t understand that he couldn’t play with the same toys as him. They both received the same amount of attention and through reading books together about siblings he slowly realised being a big brother was a good thing.’

A Positive Experience

As much as you may be prepared for sibling rivalry, children can surprise you and react positively, as Diz explains.

‘When we were expecting our second baby, we were warned about sibling rivalry, so we tried to be extra sensitive when the new baby had to spend time in special care. We arranged for our son to play with friends, rather than taking him into hospital every day to visit his sister. One day, I went to drop him off and tears welled up in his eyes. ‘But I want to come to the hospital – I love my little sister,’ he said. We had been so prepared for sibling rivalry that we were totally unprepared for sibling love.’

Coping Tips

• Spend plenty of time with your older child.
• Give your older child extra treats, such as a trip to the park with dad or time spent reading together.
• Make sure the benefits of being the older sibling are realised. For example, they get to go to bed later than the baby or get a room of their own.
• Let the older child help you look after the baby. Choose clothes together, let them sing to their sibling or read stories.
• Treat your children equally.
• Don’t get cross if your child’s behaviour regresses.
• Share old baby photos with your older child, so they can see that they were once like their younger sibling.
• As they get older, resist the temptation to compare your children.